Things Better Left Unsaid

A few weekends ago, the boyfriend and I spent the weekend visiting his family. For reasons involving late-night pouring rain, a puppy, and his niece, I wound up forgetting my cute little polka-dot umbrella. When I told him about the umbrella, he sweetly volunteered to ask them to send it to me.

I declined.

I should have stopped there. Instead, I explained -- which is a rookie mistake.

Here is what I said:

"I have another umbrella. Plus, I'll see your family again, and I'll get the umbrella then. Or whatever: if we break up, oh well, it was only an umbrella."

Crash and burned

Before I begin, here's a bit of a disclaimer: This is not really my story -- I was mostly an observer. But I'm going to tell it anyway because things like this generally don't happen to people like you and me. So here goes.

Last night, my plan was to finish up some bathroom painting, watch some football, and then watch Entourage and/or Mad Men, and maybe I'd build the bookcase while sitting in front of the tv. My friend volunteered to watch Entourage on my brand-new couch and maybe help with the bookcase. So we agreed to meet for dinner at a neighborhood sports bar after I finished painting.

So, after dinner, my friend was following me back to the condo, and he was stopped behind me at the light. I heard the sound of squealing tires and looked up in time to see a red two-door car going really fast hit the back of my friend's car. Hard. My friend turned his wheel and, luckily, did not hit me.

When the light changed, I went over to the right to park my car along the side street to see if everything was okay. My friend pulled his car over, with his bumper all dented and torn. He somehow hurt his hand, but was mostly okay.

The other driver just drove off, with his bumper almost off and glass from his headlights shattered everywhere. He probably got right on the highway. And neither of us got his license plate number. All we know is that he was driving a red two-door car, either a hatchback or a sports car, and it did not strike either of us as particularly new. And we were both pretty sure that the driver was male.

So, we stood by the side of the road, waiting for the police. Four police officers came by, and we wrote out police reports while they took pictures. One of the officers nonchalantly said, "We probably won't catch him. Unless he's drunk and hits someone else."

So, all night after that, we kept wondering who just drives off after an accident like that. Here's our theories:

• Someone without insurance
• Someone who was drunk

For the life of me, I really can't think of any other alternatives.

New insight as to where I stand with my dad

Last night, I was on the phone with my dad, and somewhere after 20 minutes, the conversation went off the rails in a really unusually disturbing way.

I'm paraphrasing a bit, but here's the essence of the conversation. We were talking about family and communication and then took a detour into talking about custody fights. As I am apt to do, I forgot for a moment, that, for all intents and purposes, my father had almost no relationship with his father after his parents divorced when he was a kid. So I took the position that it's the dad's obligation to fight to be involved in the kid's life.

Then Dad says "I don't know why people get into such messy, horrible custody battles. If it were me, I would just cut my losses and walk away."

Being one of the kids in question, I was a little shocked by this. "Dad, you mean to tell me that, if after you had me, you and mom divorced, and she withheld custody from you, you wouldn't have fought to see me?"

"Your mother would never have been so unreasonable. That's one of the reasons I married her."

"That's not my point. You wouldn't have felt it necessary to have a relationship with your own kid?"

"Not if the mom was using the kid as a weapon -- It's not worth the fight. And I turned out fine without much of a father."

"Yeah, but don't you think that anyone crazy enough to try to exclude the father from their kid's life as punishment might not be the most stable parent."

"Maybe, I guess. But it's messy. Not worth it."

"So you wouldn't have fought for me? Man, you suck. Glad to know where I stand."

"That's not fair."

Get off of my lawn!

There were annoying tourist kids on Metro tonight when I was on my way home. And it was really late for me, which means it was way too late for kids to be making tons of noise while their parents ignore how they're twirling around on the poles as if they were practicing their routines for when they eventually become strippers in their inevitably sad and pathetic adult lives.

Suddenly, I had this great idea for a t-shirt. On the front it says "I don't hate all children. . . " and on the back it says ". . . Just Yours." I think I'm going to submit it to Threadless.

Anyway, that's when the train stopped and one of the twirling children fell. And shrieked. I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. I guess I'm an asshole.

Random political thought o' the day

In avoiding anything that has to do with American Idol -- and trying not to watch the Nationals get blown out by the Phillies -- I stumbled across an Obama rally on C-Span tonight, before turning to my DVR and tuning out.

In all honesty, stump speeches bore me to death. But my viewing options were limited, so I watched for a couple of minutes. And compared with a lot of other politicians, he really is a captivating speaker.

The entire time, though, I was thinking about the Washington Post article describing the racist incidents that his campaign has had to endure. And we all probably know at least one person who, despite being otherwise reasonable, believes all the chain emails about him being a radical Muslim or whatnot. (According to the New York Times, this is an epidemic amongst older Jews in South Florida. I personally know at least one South Floridian who, despite being a lifelong Democrat, will vote for McCain over Obama this fall.)

I can't help feeling that it's such a shame that people are so closed-minded.

Grey hair

Early this morning, my brother texted me to tell me that he was upset because he found a grey hair. He's 28.

I started finding gray hair the week of my college graduation. A lot of them. And since I've given up dyeing my hair for the past two years, I'm at the point that I don't want to even look anymore.

So I texted my brother back, saying that "You complaining about gray hair to me is like me complaining to you about being broke."

Fairweather

Tonight, I went out to dinner with a whole bunch of people, many of whom I consider friends. Some of those are people I see all the time, some are people I haven't seen (or spoken to) for a while -- since before my trial, before my mom died.

Some of those people I considered my fairly good friends. I helped them with their breakups, hung out with them when they were bored. I even sat there and listened to them on the other end of the phone for long periods of time, even though I'm not a phone person.

Tonight, some of those people were sitting at a table with me for a couple of hours and did not say a word to me. Not even "hi."

It made me realize that I was friends with them when it was convenient -- when they needed things. But they're just not there for me when I need them.

I've been through a lot lately, so I've decided that I'm going to be selfish right now -- I'm entitled. So from now on, anyone who can't pull their weight in the friendship department, they're out. I just don't have the time or the patience anymore.

Bah humbug

Even though the mass media would have you think this time of year brings out the best in people, my personal experience is that it does exactly the opposite. Everyone is rushed and busy and striving for some kind of perfect holiday, and in being that way, they inevitably wreak havoc on everyone and everything that gets in their way.

I'm not any different.

Take last week at work. We're planning the office party, which happens to be reviving an old tradition -- the gag gift secret Santa. The tradition had been all but extinguished because at various times, feelings had been hurt by insensitive and occasionally inappropriate gifts. But this year, we got the go-ahead to try again -- a probation of sorts. Everyone wants this to work, to keep the tradition from dying out for good.

One of my friends decided to be in charge of the process, but it became clear that he didn't have some of the organizational details down -- such as how participants have to both give and receive gifts, and that it's not "secret" if you are both on the list and making the list. So, in a way that was probably less than diplomatic, I interceded and said that I'd be in charge of the list. Admittedly, the way I went about it was undoubtedly bossy and overbearing, but in my head, I just was trying to help.

I sent an email announcing that I'd be in charge of the list. In a joking way, I referred to it as a "bloodless coup." Another co-worker got offended by my tone and, apparently, the fact that I took over in a bossy manner. So, she cornered me and proceeded to lecture me about how horrible I was. At first I thought she was joking, and then, once I realized that she was, indeed, serious, I got offended by her tone -- which I would later describe as "essentially calling me a bitch without actually using that word." I did, however, understand her point that I might have stepped over the line. So, I apologized to my friend. At the end of the day, I thought it was over and done with.

The next day, the coworker who lectured me came into my office, purportedly to apologize. Of course, she did this by first telling me that we're still friends, then by telling me that she never actually used the word "bitch" to describe my behavior, and third, by telling me how wrong my behavior had been. She repeated the third point four times. The first time, I said, "I got your point. I was offended by your tone yesterday, but I got your point. And I apologized, and it's over now, so let's move on."

The second time, I said, "Alright, I get it, it's done. Can we stop now?"

The third time, I just said, "Can we stop? Please."

When she continued, I said something offensive, taking her lord's name in vain and using a very bad word, one that's not allowed on television. She then said, "Now I'm offended" and stormed out of my office.

Clearly, I shouldn't have gone for the nuclear option. But I was pushed.

Damn holidays.

Regret

A couple months ago, I saw Ann Coulter sitting in the lobby of a hotel in downtown DC, right next to the entrance to the restaurant where my friends and I had gone to dinner.

She was talking on her cellphone, and, at the time, seemed just like any other generic little blond-haired bimbo. In fact, I probably wouldn't have even noticed her without someone pointing her out.

I think my first reaction was to be surprised that she was that little -- and that she looked way older in person. But I pretty much kept my observations to myself, since it's mean to call someone old.

What I should have been looking for was some kind of mark of the devil. Not only does that woman have a ridiculous political ideology, but now she's making anti-Semitic comments.

Someone needs to stop that woman. Seriously.

I should have punched her in the face when I had the chance.

Ozzy Osbourne would be proud.

I may travel a lot for work, but I've never done this:

The Rocky Mountain News reports that Scott D. Clark, an auditor with the Denver office of the Health and Human Services Department's inspector general office, is facing a felony animal cruelty charge related to an incident at an Embassy Suites hotel in St. Paul, Minn., where he had traveled for work.

According to witnesses, Scott cornered a duck near an atrium pond at the hotel and ripped its head off. Announcing, "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it," Clark got on an elevator with the headless bird and took it up to the fifth floor.

On top of that, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports, local law enforcement officials said in an official complaint filed against Clark that after police arrived on the scene, Clark said "that he worked for the federal government and when this was over he would have the officers' jobs."

When told that he was in trouble for killing the duck, Clark told officers, "Why, because I killed it out of season? Big deal, it's just a [expletive] duck."

Then again, I'm not an auditor. Guy's gotta find something interesting to do, right?


Update: At least the duck guy doesn't go around biting three-year-olds.

A laboratory technician has been fired after the parents of a 3-year-old boy claimed she bit his shoulder while drawing blood from his arm, a hospital spokesman said.

Faith Buntin took her son Victor to St. Vincent Hospital on Friday for a blood test because of recent recalls of toys involving lead. She said she saw the worker put her mouth on Victor's shoulder.

"I looked at her like that was the craziest thing that I'd ever seen," Faith Buntin told television station WRTV. "She looked at me and smiled and said, 'Oh, it was just a play bite. He's not hurt.'"

After they returned home, the boy's mother said, she saw teeth marks on his left shoulder, and her husband drove the child back to the hospital, where he was prescribed antibiotics.

"Taking a bite out of him like he's an apple, this is heinous," said James Buntin, the boy's father.

St. Vincent fired the technician after the incident was reported and is "reviewing the capabilities" of the employees of the subcontractor that does blood work for the hospital, spokesman Johnny Smith said.

Proof that you can still be mean after death

How much does someone have to dislike her grandchildren to disinherit them -- while leaving $12 million to her dog?

I wonder what the grandkids did to deserve this.

Grumpy Bear

Even on a good day, I'm filled with enough vitriol for someone at least twice my size -- but I possess enough self-control that, other than a select group of friends (you should feel honored folks!) very few people get to experience it firsthand.

When I'm not feeling well, I magically lose the ability to keep it to myself.



So, today, pretty much everyone was the subject of my wrath. In no particular order, here are the out-of-character things that I said and did:

• Said, "Uh, whatever" in a scornful voice to the woman who attempted to cut in front of me at the place where I get my morning tea.
• Pushed the purse of the girl who sat next to me on Metro off my lap in a not-so-gentle manner.
• Lost my patience and told employee of client that he was looking at the wrong document in a completely annoyed tone of voice.
• Told my mother that I had a very complicated life, and then told her she was mean when she laughed at me. I then proceeded to blame her for the fact that I'm a whiny spoiled princess.
• Used the f-word in front of a bunch of touristy small children when their mother refused to move to the right side of the Metro escalator (after I said "Excuse me" no fewer than 2 times), causing me to miss my train.
• Muttered "pick up your pants" to some wannabe hoodlum with exposed pink boxer briefs in the mall food court.
• Described someone as "wannabe hoodlum."

Michael Vick

I haven't written anything about Michael Vick because it seemed too easy. I mean, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about dogs. Anyone that can be involved in something so vile deserves way worse than losing to Florida State -- led by Chris Weinke -- in the 2000 National Championship game.

I'm kinda hoping that, in addition to suspension from the NFL and jail time, his fate involves paying lawyers to defend against more frivolous lawsuits filed by crazy prisoners, just like this one:

Celebrity kids grow up so fast.

Knut is now, officially, the most famous baby bear in the world. Earlier this month, it was appearing on the Vanity Fair cover with Leonardo DiCaprio, as photographed by Annie Liebovitz.



Today, it's death threats.

Next thing you know, he'll be out clubbing with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Second thoughts

Today marked a first for this blog: Someone found it by googling my name.

I don't know who and I don't know why. What I do know is that it worries me.

When I've checked Google before, the blog didn't show up until at least the second page of results. And I was comfortable with that -- since you never go past the first page unless you're very very motivated -- or looking for a specific result.

Today, the blog showed up as #3, right under my old law firm bio and right before a three-year-old court decision.

I shouldn't be that worried, right? I mean, I don't write anything here that I wouldn't say to people's faces, especially since so many people that know me in real life -- including family members -- occasionally stop by and read. And I don't really write about work, or anything too personal. Still, it's a little weird thinking that someone -- like opposing counsel or a judge -- might accidentally happen upon one of my inane little diatribes.

And it's a little scary in light of the fact that other bloggers have had their personal (& private) information posted on the internet as a result of having a blog -- and in this particular circumstance, a blog that they purposefully chose to write using an alias.

To me, the anonymity of the internet is one of the things that makes it so great. You should be free to speak your mind, to disclose what you want -- to communicate -- without feeling threatened. And if you don't use your name -- or your address, where you work, etc. -- that should be your choice, too.

It's a covenant of sorts. Or maybe it's just the golden rule taken to another level.

Like Seven, only without all the annoying Gwyneth

Did you read the story where some guy sent this girl her dog's severed head in a box, allegedly because he harbored romantic feelings for her.

Wow. That's really, really mean. Horrible, even.

I'm sure she'll be scarred for life.

But mostly, what it is is stupid. I mean, if you like a girl, don't kill her dog. It may not be rule number one, but it's probably somewhere near the top of the list.

But . . .

. . . does anyone else think it's peculiar that, at 17, she's saying that her new puppy will "be my best friend."

So, did this guy kill the dog because he viewed it as a rival for her attention? Or did he think that by killing the dog, she would be devastated, and he could provide her with a shoulder to cry on?

Sheesh. He should have just bought her flowers, or candy. Maybe taken her to a movie. But killing her pet? Seems like a pretty bad move if he wanted to get lucky.



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Send in the clowns, not the elephants

Last night, on my way home from work, I walked by the Verizon Center, forgetting that the circus was in town.

Sweet actually went, but I just walked right on by, eager to catch my train home. But on my way, I was offered brochures from about 10 different people, innocently saying, "Here's some free information about the circus."

Information? Yeah, right. It was PETA propaganda.



Now, whether this is even true is up for debate. But what I do know for sure is that there are better ways for PETA to get their message across than to hand out these leaflets to people who have already spent their hard earned money to take their kids to an evening of entertainment. It's simply too late to be effective at that point.

Mostly, though, I feel bad for the kids, who are so excited about the circus, and wind up having their spirits crushed by stories of tortured elephants.

When I was a kid -- around nine or ten -- I went to see the circus at Madison Square Garden. We had box seats, so I was a billion miles away from the action, which I had to watch through binoculars. But mostly, what I remember involved clowns, acrobats, and trapeeze artists. The animals were, at best, secondary.

But, at that age, I would have read the leaflet -- and I would have had nightmares.


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Save Knut! He's the cutest thing ever!

If you think the Berlin Zoo should kill this baby polar bear now, after everything he's been through, you have no soul.




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More proof that soccer fans are cray-zee

Man, I wish King Kaufman had pointed me to this story in time for last week's "best of" list:

Tattoo Artist Sued Over Penis Tattoo Prank

January 23, 2007 10:03 a.m. EST

Komfie Manalo - All Headline News Correspondent

Buenos Aires, Argentina (AHN) - A tattoo artist from Argentina is facing a lawsuit after drawing a penis on the back of an Argentinean football fan instead of his favorite team's official logo.

Reports said the teenager approached the tattoo artist and asked him to tattoo the logo of the Boca Junior football team on his back.

However, the tattooist was an avid supporter of the rival team and decided to play a prank on his young customer.

After reaching home, the victim proudly showed his parents his new tattoo and was surprised to learn that a penis was tattooed on his back.

According to Argentina's Terra newspaper, the victim said, "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents."

A police spokesperson added, "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rival, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead. Unbelievable!"

This is even crazier than the story about the player that was ordered to get married by his team in order to stop his wild partying.

Hating on smart girls

Leave it to Maxim to post a list of T.V.'s least appealing ladies -- with a slide show.

While I can totally get behind Nancy Grace being number one -- boy, do I agree with their note about her being "the unboinkable trifecta of unattractive, unlikeable, and fiercely judgmental" -- I am completely offended for Tina Fey.

Maybe it hits too close to home. I mean, like Tina, I'm a smart girl -- not to mention a smartass. And my glasses look sort of like hers. Come to think of it, I wear my hair like that almost every single day. Heck, on Monday, I was pretty much wearing this exact outfit.

Shit.

Maybe I need to find a new role model.