Thursday, September 23, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

So, for Day 1, I'm supposed to write "something you hate about yourself." At first this seems easy -- I have a host of things about myself that I really don't like. I don't like my weight. I don't like my thighs. I don't like how little motivation I have lately. I don't like how easily I give up on things. I don't like how materialistic I can be.

But none of those really advances to the level of hate.

What I do hate are my walls. Almost all of who I present to the world is facade, and my real self is locked away. I don't let people in -- at all -- and as a result, I find myself often feeling that there is no one out there that really knows me. Even my family -- they only see fragments and spectres.

I've gotten close to letting people in -- and there are times when those people probably think I've done so -- but it's never more than just a glimmer, and then I get scared and close back up. I wish I could stop it. I don't know how.

For tomorrow: Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.


Anonymous said...

"and as a result, I find myself often feeling that there is no one out there that really knows me"

I feel exactly the same way. I am so guarded and don't open myself to anyone and then get upset because no one knows me and I have nothing in common with my friends. It's now to the point where they use me as a sounding board and look at me like I have 4 heads when I try and share. Baby steps I guess.

Anonymous said...

have you asked yourself "WHY" don't you let people in?

why you have the walls may be the key to breaking down the walls.


dara said...

GV -- we are a sad lot, aren't we?

Anonymous, I've spent a lot of time -- and a lot of money on therapy -- trying to figure it out. It's about control and the need to be perfect, and by not letting people in, I only let them see what I want them to see. It's also about not trusting people -- not trusting them not to run when I'm not perfect. This all goes back to my childhood -- I get the controlling from my mom and the not letting people in from my dad.

Anonymous said...

I thought walls were permanent once. I thought it was impossible...that the need to self protect was so automated I'd never be able to dismantle it...then my husband said 'People in love need to be able to trust one another and I can't pretend you trust me anymore.' And Jericho fell...
I don't have any advice to just happened. At least I know it can...