On Sunday, it will be four weeks since I've spoken to my father. I haven't heard from my sister since about a week before that. This might be nothing to most people, but it's a big deal to me. Together, they represent approximately 50% of my remaining family -- and my father is my only living parent. So considering that neither of them seems to care enough to check to see whether I'm alive or dead . . . . I am angry.
It's a growing anger. Every day, I get exponentially angrier and angrier.
Today I am furious.
I am owning up to this feeling. I own this feeling.
I am not letting this feeling own me. Just admitting, out loud, that I am angry, and not having anyone try to invalidate my anger or dismiss it or talk me down is enough right now.
2 comments:
You have every right to be angry. Stomp, yell, throw things - do what you need.
I have something of the same issue at the moment, and it's adding to my fury at other parts of life. It sucks, makes me feel like I care too much to match their caring too little, and I feel lost in the midst of the anger.
I hope you find your way out eventually, but for the moment, let yourself be angry.
I'm okay with just being angry. I've even rationalized it -- it goes something like "My father entered into a social compact when he decided to become a parent some thirty-odd years ago and he is currently in violation of that compact."
Ordinarily, I would attribute this attitude to therapy, but it's not. It's Buddhism: "This is how I feel. It is not good or bad, but is how I am feeling. And it is transitory, like everything else."
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