Thursday, October 28, 2010

Faith and Comfort

I told my Grandmother that I don't really believe in God anymore, and that maybe I never did. "No evidence either way," I explained. "Mythology. Stories that the ancients told to explain the unexplainable," I rationalized. "Agnostic," I concluded.

She said, "You sound just like your Grandfather."

My Grandmother believes. Maybe not as much as some, but enough. Maybe not as much as she once did, but still. Even in the face of people who tell her that believers only believe because they are scared of reality -- or worse -- that they are merely hedging their bets. She still believes despite all the tragedies that she has faced in her life -- poverty, wars, the loss of a spouse, the loss of a child. Her faith comforts her.

I, in turn, am comforted by that.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The one where I discuss my unmentionables

I am going to break one of my cardinal rules and write about something I promised myself that I would never discuss in public: underwear, specifically my underwear, and even more specifically, bras.

In case you don't know, buying a bra is not as simple as going to the store, grabbing something, and paying for it at the counter. Different brands, styles, and designs all fit you differently -- pretty much like all clothing, actually. There are stores that actually specialize in bra fittings to make sure that you are wearing the right size. (Yes, I've been measured on occasion.)

Yet, despite weight fluctuations, I've been the exact same size since I turned 17 -- and coincidentally, I am also the average size for American women. Like most people, I have certain brands and styles that I like, and it changes from time to time. Right now I'm going through a phase where I love Simone Perele, a French brand.

All of this brings me to the bra in question. A few months ago, I was somehow convinced to buy a very expensive bra from a very well-known high-end label. I think it started as an experiment in trying to figure out why people would spend so much money on a plain old bra. But just like when I try on expensive shoes, the serotonin rush takes over and I fall in love. Regardless of the item being purchased -- shoes, clothes, cosmetics -- it all ends the same: a swipe of the credit card and a brief feeling of elation, followed by regret.

I am still embarrassed to admit how much money I spent, but in my defense, the bra fit great in the store. Once I got it home, however, it turned out to be among the worst bras that I have ever purchased. About halfway through the day, the fabric starts feeling itchy and uncomfortable, the straps start stretching out, and then when I move, one of the cups slips into an awkward position. I bet I could find a bra in Walmart that fits better.

As a result, this insanely overpriced bra is now relegated to the back of my drawer, for emergency use only.

I was wearing it yesterday because I really need to do laundry. Late last night, I was on the phone with my brother (who I hope is not reading this) and I had a weird itch on my shoulder. I touched my shoulder and felt something strange. Apparently, the fabric covering the bra strap had started to disintegrate, leaving random bits and pieces of sheer, glittery, beige fabric stuck to my skin.

So here is the most expensive single piece of lingerie that I own falling apart while I am still wearing it. It is disgusting, not to mention disappointing. Most importantly it is, once again, a reminder that price, reputation, and celebrity endorsements are not necessarily indicative of quality. Be warned.

Friday, October 22, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 30

Day 30: The last day. And I'm supposed to be writing a letter to myself telling myself everything I love about myself.

Me, me, me. Here goes:


Dear Dara,

You somehow managed to blog your way through this exercise. You wrote for 30 consecutive days. You never did that before. You continually surprise me.

Everyone always says how smart you are. But you are so much more than that. You can be kind. You can be generous. You can be compassionate. And you can be hell-on-wheels. Even you don't know which one is coming.

You are either crispy on the outside with a gooey marshmallow center, or a gooey marshmallow exterior with a core of solid steel. No one knows for sure. It's great that you cry when you read newspaper stories about injured and dying children. Or that you laugh at sad news stories when people's names are funny. People will think you're a softie or a jerk. Keep 'em guessing.

You have a standing policy of always rooting for the underdog. You sometimes think of yourself as the patron saint of lost causes. Except without the saint part.

You are a hard worker, except when you are procrastinating. You are precise and well-prepared and very rarely surprised by any unforeseen contingencies. You are a good writer. Even your assistant chief said so. On a post-it. Keep that post-it as a reminder and rub it in his face the next time he wants to make a change to something.

You are even occasionally funny and cute. But don't push your luck.

Love,
Me




Yesterday: Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 29

Today's objective is to write about something I hope to change about myself and why.

I said on Day 1 that I hate that I am so closed-off. I hope I become less closed-off. I need to let people in instead of pushing them away.


Yesterday: Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Tomorrow: Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 28

Today's question is what I would do if I got pregnant or if I got someone else pregnant.

Excepting some kind of medical miracle, we can rule out the latter. So the question for me is what I would do if I were to become pregnant. And the answer is quite simple: I would have a kid.

This is not to say that I am pro-life: I most certainly am not. I believe, with every fiber of my being, that having a child is a decision, and it's one that should be made carefully and thoughtfully. If the idea of abortion offends your morals or ethics or values or religious principles, then that affects your calculus. But everyone else's decision should be made based on their own morals and ethics and values and religious principles and anything else that might pertain to the decision, and not what anyone else says or thinks or does. Every situation has its own facts and circumstances.

For me, I've been caught in the trap of thinking that having a child was something that waited until you were in the perfect relationship, in the perfect situation, at the perfect time. I now comprehend just how naïve that is. Relationships are never perfect, and even when things seem that way momentarily, you can't always avoid tragedies, either large or small. People lose jobs, people fall out of love, people get ill, people die. If you wait for the stars to line up perfectly, you'll wind up waiting forever. And, perhaps most importantly, if you are not prepared, at least on some level, to be a single parent due to divorce/death/other misfortune, you are not entirely prepared to be a parent.

So yeah, if I were to find myself pregnant, I would have the baby. I can afford to have one, would like to have one someday, and -- perhaps most importantly -- I'm not getting any younger. This is not to say that I'm out actively trying to have myself a baby: I most certainly am not. I work too much, I have no real support system, and I have other things that I still want to do. But I am also profoundly aware that the universe works in mysterious ways.



Yesterday: Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Tomorrow: Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 27

Today's subject is the best thing I've got going for me right now.

My mind. Without it, I am nothing. With it, I am everything.


Yesterday: Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Tomorrow: Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Monday, October 18, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 26

Today's question: "Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?"

Man, I wish I could skip this one. This is hard to write about, and even harder to do it without falling back to my normal self-defense mechanisms of sarcasm and snark.

Life is challenging, and even people whose lives may seem great to outside observers struggle with things. Sometimes you're swimming with the current -- but other times you're swimming against the current and doing all you can to just keep your head above the water, and you have these fleeting moments where it seems to hard to just keep going and you want, desperately, to just stop.

So, yeah, my answer is yes, but never in an active "I'm going to kill myself" kind of way. It was more of a passive "my current situation sucks and I think I would rather not be alive to deal with it" way. But I was cognizant enough to recognize that, in that moment, I needed help -- and lucky enough to be able to go out and get help. And, to be honest, for me, that was the hardest part: I'm not one to admit weakness.

Since then, Buddhism has helped: it's made it easier to just let go and stop struggling against the current.



Yesterday: Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Tomorrow: Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 25

Today I'm supposed to write about the reason that I'm still alive today. This is a poorly crafted question. If I were to read the question in terms of cause-and-effect, well, I'm still alive today because I was born, and, as my luck would have it, I haven't done anything stupid enough or careless enough or reckless enough to be dead.

But I think what this question is really trying to get at is what I view as my purpose -- my raison d'être, as it were. And the truth is, I don't know : I'm constantly searching for a higher purpose, a meaning to all of it. But on some level, I think the search for meaning is the higher purpose.



Yesterday: Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Tomorrow: Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 24

Today I'm supposed to make a playlist for someone, and explain why I chose all the songs.

I used to make mix tapes all the time -- later, they evolved into mix CDS. And I still occasionally do it -- just not for other people: I make them for me.

Occasionally, my mixes have a theme. Sometimes they just have a mood. Most often, they are just an attempt to capture a moment in time, musically. Sometimes, then, the moment in time or the mood or the theme intersects with a particular relationship, and later, when listening to the CD, I realize that it's all about that relationship -- good, bad, or indifferent.

This, my dears, is why I liked High Fidelity so much.

Some years ago, I had a boyfriend who made me mix CDs: they were always attempts at a theme, and were, by and large, intended to be funny. I tried to make him a mix once. It had no focus, no unifying theme, no real thought. It was merely a collection of songs that I thought he would like. I wish I could take it back, for many reasons.

Last year, I was dating someone who asked me to make him a CD with a collection of things that he might like or that would expand his musical knowledge. I started working on it, but then I decided it (he?) really wasn't worth the effort. After all, a mix CD is a gesture of love.

So, reconciling all that with the mission at hand, I'm going to post a playlist for all my writer and blogger friends, about the things we love: writing and reading and books and authors. Because you're awesome.

  1. Moxy Fruvous: My Baby Loves A Bunch of Authors (Speaks for itself.)
  2. 10,000 Maniacs: Hey Jack Kerouac (Author, best known for On the Road.)
  3. Ryan Adams: Sylvia Plath (Poet and author of The Bell Jar. Sadly, best known for committing suicide by putting her head in the oven.)
  4. Vampire Weekend: Oxford Comma (A song about punctuation, at least in title.)
  5. Elvis Costello: Every Day I Write The Book (Speaks for itself.)
  6. Bruce Springsteen: Dancing in the Dark ("I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book.")
  7. The Beatles: Paperback Writer (Speaks for itself.)
  8. U2: Stranger in a Strange Land (Title of a novel by Robert A. Heinlein.)
  9. Jefferson Airplane: White Rabbit (Based on Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.)
  10. Guns 'N Roses: November Rain (Allegedly based on the short story Without You by Del James.)
  11. Metallica: One (Based on Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo.)
  12. Led Zeppelin: Ramble On (Filled with references to J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy.)
  13. The Police: Tea in the Sahara (References to The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles.)
  14. The Cure: Killing an Arab (Based on The Stranger by Albert Camus.)



Yesterday: Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Tomorrow: Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Friday, October 15, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Today, I'm supposed to write about something I wish I had done in my life.

I'm sitting in Los Angeles, where my mom lived when she was in her early 20s, on what would have been her 64th birthday. I often found myself hating her birthdays. I hated having to organize my siblings enough to do something nice for her. I grumbled about how hard it was to figure out what gifts she might have wanted and how I would have to brave the crowded shopping malls to go get it. I used to get annoyed by how she always wanted me to use my vacation time to go down to Florida just to see her.

I wish I could go back in time and take it all back. I wish I had told her that I loved her more often than I did, and not just when I was pushed or prodded. I wish I had thanked her for everything -- for giving me life, feeding me, clothing me, taking care of me, pushing me to be a better person, fighting for me, loving me. I wish I had pushed her to take better care of herself. I wish I had been a better daughter.



Yesterday: Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Tomorrow: Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Today, I'm supposed to write about something I wish I hadn't done in my life. And, despite the fact that I try to live my life with as few regrets as possible, there are several. I regret not spending more time with my mom before she died. I regret putting my career above my personal life. I regret eating that last Reese's peanut butter cup.

More than anything, though, lately I've been wishing that I hadn't rushed my way through college. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I think I would take my time instead of graduating early. I'd take classes just for the sake of learning and not necessarily for my major or to help me get into law school. I would waste oodles of my father's money just studying art and literature and whatever random impractical thing that piqued my interest. This, ultimately, is why I'm back in school -- only this time, I have to find time to do it while I'm working and pay for it myself.


Yesterday: Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Tomorrow: Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Today I'm supposed to answer the following question: "Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?"

I used to think that there was no such thing as a dumb question. I was wrong. This is a dumb question.

People bicker. They argue. Sometimes they say mean, hurtful, or spiteful things. It doesn't mean they don't love each other. It just means that they're assholes, same as everyone else.

So, if the person is really your best friend -- which means you're not deluding yourself -- you forget about all of the shit and you are there for them when they need you -- and you stay out of the way when they don't. If you're not sure, ask.

And sometimes, when you're very lucky, you get to go to Chick-fil-A in your pajamas together.


Yesterday: Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Tomorrow: Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

Today's topic is my views on drugs and alcohol. Like almost everything else I've written during this exercise, it pretty much boils down to "Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you what to do" and "moderation."

I occasionally have a drink; when I was younger, I drank more. I've always tried to be careful about not drinking and driving, and not drinking so much that I've done anything that I could regret. I won't say that I've been perfect: back when I was younger, I didn't really control my drinking as much as I could have or should have. Some people might have some really funny stories -- provided, of course, that they were sober enough to remember. But on the other hand, I know plenty of people that really overdo it, and, in comparison, my indiscretions have been small.

Now that I've gotten older, I've figured out that moderation is the key. I like the occasional drink -- although I keep way more alcohol in the house than I will ever drink. (Note to self: throw more parties.) As far as behavioral concerns, my general view is that you need to be able to control your habits so that you don't hurt yourself or others. And you need to be able to stop if necessary: once the habit becomes so all-consuming that it affects your relationships, your career, or your health, you should probably reconsider it. If you can't stop, you should get help.

As for drugs? I generally believe that people are adults and drugs should be legalized and regulated -- and heavily taxed -- much like alcohol and tobacco. People should be allowed to rot whatever brain cells they choose to rot, provided they're not hurting anyone but themselves. This is basic survival-of-the-fittest.


Yesterday: Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Tomorrow: Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Monday, October 11, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 19

Today I'm supposed to give my views on either religion or politics. But honestly, if you read this blog, you already know. I have beliefs. But more than I believe in any particular religion or political ideology, first and foremost, I believe that no one else should tell me what to believe or not to believe, what I can or cannot say, or what I can or cannot do (as long as I'm not causing harm to anyone else). And I believe that it's reciprocal: it's not my place to tell other people what they should believe, say, or do.

That said, I think the world would be a better place if we would all endeavor to treat each other with kindness, compassion, and respect, no matter what our disagreements on any particular issues of policy or faith.


Yesterday: Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Tomorrow: Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

Today I'm supposed to write about my views on gay marriage. But this is really really simple: I have absolutely no problem with it. I have no problem with homosexuality -- many of my favorite people are gay. More significantly, I have no problem with any two consenting adults deciding to form a partnership and pledge their lives to each other. We should all be so lucky.

I can't figure out why people are still so hung up on these types of non-issues. If you don't agree with homosexuality, don't have sex with a same-sex partner. If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't have one. If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one. If you don't believe in Jesus, don't go to church. Your religious values or moral code or ethics or whatever you call it are not the same as everyone else's. Therefore, your ability to do what you want to do -- provided you are not hurting anyone else -- should not be limited by other people's values, and vice-versa. This, my dears, is how freedom and liberty work. If you disagree with that, well, maybe you should remember why the Puritans came here from England back in 1620. (Hint: it had something to do with trying to escape being persecuted for their different beliefs.)

So, yeah, I think people should be allowed to get married to whomever they want, provided that they are of age, able to consent, there are no legal obstacles to the marriage, and -- most importantly -- the other person wants to marry them back. Do I think that various religious institutions have to perform the ceremony? No -- the religious institution is likewise free to make such a choice. But I certainly don't want to be a member of such a biased, prejudiced, closed-minded religious institution.


Yesterday: Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Tomorrow: Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Saturday, October 09, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 17

Today's topic is a book that I've read that changed my views on something. Again, this is particularly difficult because there are so many to choose from. Not just because I read so much -- which I do -- but because almost everything I read affects me in some way. All good books should affect you like that. And the great ones? They should make you think about things in a new way, make you question your beliefs, and inspire you.

That said, in the past few years, I think the book that has affected me the most is The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. First and foremost, she's become one of my favorite authors -- which is especially wonderful because she's still alive AND relatively prolific -- which means that I keep getting to read new things. (And she's even on Twitter! Bonus!)

Anyway, I read the book in a contemporary literature class during my first year of college, but like a lot of things I read in college, I raced through it, just getting what I needed out of it to get a good grade on the paper or exam -- which, sadly, was pretty much like my approach to college in general. (This, ultimately, is why I'm back in school.)

Lucky for me, someone mentioned something about the book to me sometime around the time of the 2004 presidential election, when there was a strange intersect in this country between what seemed a little like fundamentalist religion and right-wing neo-fascist politics. So I re-read the book. And wow! Imagining what might happen if the country took a few more steps towards a social conservatism led by people who interpret the bible literally? SCARY. But what is most frightening is that the book is not all that far-fetched. I mean, usually, when you read dystopic futuristic books, there is some kind of crazy environmental or scientific catastrophe that launches the entire world into a tailspin. But this book? Completely possible, and completely in the control of human beings. So now, every time I hear about some politically-oriented fundamentalist group trying to use biblical literalism to back up some completely immoderate position (see Westboro Baptist Church), all while laughing in the face of basic human values, a little chill goes down my spine. Because this book shows just what is at the end of the slippery-slope. And it's not pretty.

Oh, and the book? Great read. Well written, interesting, fantastic story.


Yesterday: Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Tomorrow: Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Friday, October 08, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 16

Today's topic is someone or something I definitely could live without.

This is hard because everything is so fundamentally intertwined with everything else. Whether it's causal relationships, tangential relationships, or something else, we all are, in large part, a reaction to the other people and things in our environment. Or, to quote Salman Rushdie: "I am the sum total of everything that went before me, of all I have been seen done, of everything done-to-me. I am everyone everything whose being-in-the-world affected was affected by mine. I am anything that happens after I’ve gone which would not have happened if I had not come."

That being said, I could definitely do without most of the negativity out there in the world. I'm particularly attuned to it during election season, but with the 24-hour news networks and the pundits out there, it's gone from being a cyclical affliction to a constant sickness. Everywhere you turn, it's always people calling each other names and accusing them of all sorts of heinous things while pretty much refusing to take any responsibility for anything or take any steps to make the world better for anyone. Politicians say whatever it takes to get elected and to stay elected and don't do much of anything at all -- at least where it affects real people and their basic needs. And pundits? What the hell do they do except feed off of others' malaise? I could do without all of that: I would like to replace it with leaders who think and act instead of counting their poll numbers and news that reports instead of antagonizes.


Yesterday: Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Tomorrow: Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 15

Today I'm supposed to write about "something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it."

I have two.

1. Caffeine. As early as high school, I pretty much lived on Diet Coke and coffee. By the time I graduated from law school, I was drinking two or three cups of coffee in the morning, and cans of Diet Coke the rest of the day. I couldn't function without it: I was addicted. So, in 2002, I decided to give up all caffeine -- cold turkey.

Giving up coffee was the easy part. But soda, tea, and chocolate? I lasted six weeks. I started back with a little bit of chocolate and the occasional green tea in the afternoon. And then the Diet Coke. But I stayed off coffee for years -- until my nephew was born in 2009. I was getting my sister a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee, and I couldn't resist the siren call. I still don't need it the way I used to, but I definitely like having it back in my life, in moderation.

2. Red meat. Remember last summer when I had my little project where I gave up all meat and poultry for 30 days? The first few days were relatively easy, so I kept going. Eventually, though, I got really anemic. Plus, I remembered that I really like meat. So, once again, I reverted. I don't eat a lot of it, but I won't ever rule it out either. Again, it turns out that, for me, moderation is the key.


Yesterday: Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Tomorrow: Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 14

Today's topic is a letter to hero that has let me down. The problem? I don't really have any heroes -- never have. Growing up, I didn't put any faith in political or religious figures, and I was never naive enough to believe that actors or athletes or rock stars were any more or any less than just people with a particular talent. I am a skeptic -- and it's hard to truly be let down when you've never truly believed in anything in the first place.

The closest I ever got to heroes were authors. But most of them were already dead by the time I got around to reading their books. And, honestly, I can't remember ever really being let down by them. Just the opposite.


Yesterday: Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Tomorrow: Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 13

Today I'm supposed to write a letter to a band or artist that has gotten me through tough times. My letter would be way too goofy. Instead, I'll just make a few comments.

As anyone who knows me already knows, my favorite band is U2. Heck, it was pretty much the soundtrack of my entire adolescence, from The Unforgettable Fire to The Joshua Tree to Rattle and Hum to Achtung Baby. To this day, whenever I need inspiration, I invariably default to The Joshua Tree or The Unforgettable Fire. Right before my mom died, I had gotten the 20th Anniversary deluxe re-release of The Joshua Tree, and I remember listening to it a lot in the hotel room in Newark.

Still, if I had to say that there was one song that helped me get through my mom's death, it wouldn't be a U2 song. It was, of all the random things in the world, a Lifehouse song -- Broken. A silly little pop song that made me pull over to the side of the road and bawl my eyes out.

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
Barely holding on to you
Barely holdin on to you


It still brings me right back to that moment, when I was so lost, and so alone, and I had no idea what I was going to do next. Barely holding on, indeed.


Yesterday: Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Tomorrow: Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Monday, October 04, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 12

Today I'm supposed to write about something I never get compliments on.

My taste in boyfriends.

My close friends and family members NEVER like the people I date. And when it ends, I always get some variation on "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"



Yesterday: Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Tomorrow: Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Sunday, October 03, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 11

Today's topic is something people seem to compliment you the most on. For me, compliments tend to come in two varieties: compliments about my physical appearance or compliments about my mental abilities. People are either telling me that I have pretty eyes or that I'm funny; that I'm cute or I'm smart. I'm not complaining.

Although it was really weird when a lady on Metro told me that I had the most beautiful hands that she had ever seen.


Yesterday: Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Tomorrow: Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Today I'm supposed to write about someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. And, to be honest, this is something I'm working on. As bad as I may be at staying in close contact with people (see yesterday's post), it takes an awful lot for me to completely let people go. I almost never do it, instead leaving the door open just enough.

That never works out well. I need to completely shut out the people that hurt me, take advantage of me, don't have my best interests at heart, don't love me for me -- but instead for what I do for them. I need to decline their invitations to engage, instead of worrying about whether it's rude to ignore them: I need to ignore them. I need to stop picking up the phone when they call and responding to the emails and the texts. I need to let them go.


Yesterday: Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Tomorrow: Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Friday, October 01, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 9

Today I'm supposed to write about someone that I didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. And there are a ton of people that this could apply to. Every time I transition to a new city or a new phase of life, I seem to get worse and worse at keeping in touch with my friends from before. And my family? Since my mom died, I barely keep in touch with any of them -- I haven't spoken with my aunt in two years. It doesn't necessarily mean that I don't think about these people, miss them, and, in my own way, love them. What it does mean is that I get busy and life distracts me, and as a result, I am completely horrible at finding time to stay in touch. Facebook and email help, but I know it's not enough.

Still, that's not really what this topic makes me think about. It makes me think about my sister. Growing up, we were so close -- best friends. Once I left for college, though, it seems like the whole dynamic changed and we started drifting apart. Now, all of a sudden, it's like she's a complete stranger. The socio-economic differences in our lifestyles don't help.

As the older sister, I've always been there for her when she needed me. Then it started to seem like the more I do for her, the harder she pushes me away. Other people in the family get angry with her, and up until recently, I always found myself defending her. But now, I find that I can't do it anymore -- I can't defend her, and I can't always run to her rescue when she calls me. So, over the summer, I stopped calling. And she hasn't called me either -- I haven't spoken to her since June. (I have spoken with her husband, as he still calls me on occasion.)

I don't have it in me to maintain a relationship that is a one-way street. So, in my own way, I let go. Either way, it hurts like hell. And I miss her.

Yesterday: Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Tomorrow: Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.