Look what the cat dragged in!

When I was a kid, I liked hair metal. A lot. (Heck, I still have some tendencies.) My room was covered in posters:




And, yes, Poison was one of those bands.

So it stands to reason that I would watch the first episode of the hair band equivalent of Flavor of Love -- Rock of Love, featuring Bret Michaels. Heck, I might even be their target demographic. (And if you were too, check out this interesting "Where are they now?")

This episode scared me. First of all, our featured rock star looked kinda old and tired, although I do wonder how he manages to keep his eyeliner looking so fresh after what had to have been a long day dealing with the bimbos ladies. And that's really the problem with the show in a nutshell: The contestants. Ninety percent seem to be strippers with giant fake boobs, fake blonde hair, and the IQ of a small child. (The other ten percent are wannabe rocker chicks.)

In short, their highest and best purposes might actually be as flotation devices. Sure, that's probably more indicative of Bret's type than anything else -- but dude, if you're claiming that you're on a reality dating show so you can meet the love of your life, then perhaps you should at least pretend to be trying to find a girl that's different. (Then again, Poison does have a new album out, which leads me to question whether the timing of this show is mere coincidence or clever marketing strategy?)

In any event, while I am fairly sure that none of the blow up dolls girls will be reading any reviews on the internet because that would mean that (a) they could read and (b) they knew how to use the computer, here is my attempt at some helpful advice:

1. Leave a little to the imagination: Showing someone your giant fake boobs should probably wait until the second meeting.


2. Rock stars don't really want smart girls -- they want slutty, hot girls. And quite frankly, monopolizing the conversation doesn't mean that you're smart.


3. Drunken, belligerent slurring is not going to win friends and influence people. If that's what you think is sexy, girl, you should probably watch the video and then check yourself into rehab, pronto.


4. Whining about how you're not getting enough attention from the rock star is not really going to endear you to anyone. Why would he put up with your nagging when 20 other equally hot, yet less needy girls are around?


5. Talking like a baby is annoying to everyone -- except, perhaps, babies. And I'm not really entirely sure about that, either.


6. Forget about more plastic surgery: It's not helping you look younger. Just get a facial. While you're at it, lighten up on the bright red lipstick -- it clashes with your orangey fake tan.