Let me begin by stating that I've been down in the doldrums for quite some time. All work and no play will do that to a girl.
I dragged Inbal to go with me to visit some of my family, and in the car on the way back tonight, we were talking and I started put it all into words -- but unfortunately, the words didn't stop when I got out of the car.
The gist of it is that I think I've been going about it all wrong. Everything. For years.
A million years ago -- or back in high school -- I wanted to do something creative. Write, draw, make movies, stuff like that. And despite studying abroad and taking art history classes, somehow along the way I wound up pre-law. Even then, I thought I'd do something noble, like working for a non-profit, or maybe being a public defender, or whatever.
Now I'm a tax lawyer.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
So now I'm left wondering how I wound up so far afield of where I thought I was going.
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarterlife crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
--John Mayer, Why Georgia
It's just starting to dawn on me that maybe I'm following a path that someone else set for me. And that I'm scared of not being successful. And for some reason, I've been equating success with money.
That's wrong, isn't it?
And if it is, how do I fix it?
Now I'm wondering if this is really some kind of quarterlife crisis. Although, I think I prefer Douglas Coupland's term "mid-twenties breakdown," but I'm no longer in my twenties, and quite frankly, I'm not likely to quit my real job, move out to California, and take a McJob just yet.